25 outubro, 2010

On healing

I haven't posted this last weeks as i have been living like a nomad! Staying at friends house in Paris as due to a fair there are no hotels available. That made me feel very uncomfortable and vulnerable but i'm happy to have reliable friends. It was a huge step for me asking as i fear more than anything in the world the rejection! I'm in the middle of heavy turbulences again feeling like i should be more, do more, improve myself....blabla what comes out of it is my self esteem in on the bottom again. Thanks God i have a appointment with my psy this week, have skip it for two month see the result! I don't know for you outhere but for me it seems that everything is always very difficult to obtain and i'm just getting very tired, the urge to struggle is fading away at high speed. I know that we all have a mission but no clue for most of us on what is exactly "that mission". Am i in the right track? Is there a right track? What are my patterns that i fail to see? Why am i evolving so slowly? Am i evolving? I'm forty one, what have i achieve? See heavy turbulences! At least there's one thing like Jean Gabin used to say in one of is famous movies "i know for sure now that i don't know nothing". In my thirties i used to believe everything is possible if one keeps thinking positive, a very new age attitude! Life as teach me to be humble, of the importance to open up to others, to be blessed in being alive, in good health and most of all to be able to love and be loved. 
I choose everyday to laugh even if i'm bleeding from the inside. Will i make it? Will i stop repeating the same errors on and on? Will every cells of my body start believing that i'm okay that there's nothing to be ashamed of. If i had right now a magic wand i would ask " I WANT TO LOVE MYSELF INCONDITIONALLY NOW AND FOR ETERNITY".
I do sense that most of the time we humans are in the state of "i am a victim, poor me!  " which i know is untrue but tend to adopt the same unconsciously attitude most of the time. Rereading at the moment the extraordinary and powerful book "Radical forgiveness, making room for the miracle" from Colin Tipping where he explains that whatever happens in our lives is our wonded souls trying to heal that attracts all situations. Nothing like writing and putting outside our bad vibes! The issue is stop being the victim now, the step is recognizing and integrate when we feel that others are responsable(which of course they are not) so one can evolve towards our own  responsability, big and challenging task, old habits die hard
With all this "light" thoughts i fly to Beijing...and absolutely love it. It's quite different from Hong-Kong, Bangkok or even Tokyo but Paris is also different from Lisbon or London! I had wrongly assumed as they being so many that i would found the same "organized" confusion that i love so much about Bangkok for instance but forgot it is not a democracy so therefore everything is contained. I couldn't open my blog or any blog for that matter, either you tube, facebook.... The information is censured, we know it but experienced it is quite disturbing . I have read a lot about ancient China and it is there at every corner the wisdom and culture of the former dinasties, i find them very friendly and maybe because i was so excited to be in Beijing at last, connecting with them was very easy despite their poor english. Next flight Shanghai...needless to say that i'm also very enthusiastic and curious about the old "concession française". 
Above are some ancient notes that i found... very poetic (of course i didn't check and they are...false notes but who cares that's part of the bargain, one can win all the times!)
Just called a dear friend who was telling me that the most important thing is really to love oneself because when we deeply love ourselves we attract mutual love, abundance, happiness in our lifes.
Have a good week ...