On healing

I haven't posted this last weeks as i have been living like a nomad! Staying at friends house in Paris as due to a fair there are no hotels available. That made me feel very uncomfortable and vulnerable but i'm happy to have reliable friends. It was a huge step for me asking as i fear more than anything in the world the rejection! I'm in the middle of heavy turbulences again feeling like i should be more, do more, improve myself....blabla what comes out of it is my self esteem in on the bottom again. Thanks God i have a appointment with my psy this week, have skip it for two month see the result! I don't know for you outhere but for me it seems that everything is always very difficult to obtain and i'm just getting very tired, the urge to struggle is fading away at high speed. I know that we all have a mission but no clue for most of us on what is exactly "that mission". Am i in the right track? Is there a right track? What are my patterns that i fail to see? Why am i evolving so slowly? Am i evolving? I'm forty one, what have i achieve? See heavy turbulences! At least there's one thing like Jean Gabin used to say in one of is famous movies "i know for sure now that i don't know nothing". In my thirties i used to believe everything is possible if one keeps thinking positive, a very new age attitude! Life as teach me to be humble, of the importance to open up to others, to be blessed in being alive, in good health and most of all to be able to love and be loved. 
I choose everyday to laugh even if i'm bleeding from the inside. Will i make it? Will i stop repeating the same errors on and on? Will every cells of my body start believing that i'm okay that there's nothing to be ashamed of. If i had right now a magic wand i would ask " I WANT TO LOVE MYSELF INCONDITIONALLY NOW AND FOR ETERNITY".
I do sense that most of the time we humans are in the state of "i am a victim, poor me!  " which i know is untrue but tend to adopt the same unconsciously attitude most of the time. Rereading at the moment the extraordinary and powerful book "Radical forgiveness, making room for the miracle" from Colin Tipping where he explains that whatever happens in our lives is our wonded souls trying to heal that attracts all situations. Nothing like writing and putting outside our bad vibes! The issue is stop being the victim now, the step is recognizing and integrate when we feel that others are responsable(which of course they are not) so one can evolve towards our own  responsability, big and challenging task, old habits die hard

With all this "light" thoughts i fly to Beijing...and absolutely love it. It's quite different from Hong-Kong, Bangkok or even Tokyo but Paris is also different from Lisbon or London! I had wrongly assumed as they being so many that i would found the same "organized" confusion that i love so much about Bangkok for instance but forgot it is not a democracy so therefore everything is contained. I couldn't open my blog or any blog for that matter, either you tube, facebook.... The information is censured, we know it but experienced it is quite disturbing . I have read a lot about ancient China and it is there at every corner the wisdom and culture of the former dinasties, i find them very friendly and maybe because i was so excited to be in Beijing at last, connecting with them was very easy despite their poor english. Next flight Shanghai...needless to say that i'm also very enthusiastic and curious about the old "concession française". 

Above are some ancient notes that i found... very poetic (of course i didn't check and they are...false notes but who cares that's part of the bargain, one can win all the times!)
Just called a dear friend who was telling me that the most important thing is really to love oneself because when we deeply love ourselves we attract mutual love, abundance, happiness in our lifes.
Have a good week ...
xo

On power

I'm like the bird above ready to take off...another day spent on duty, in the airport, without being called.  It gave me the opportunity to stay with friends last night  that i don't see as much as i want, not living in Paris.
 LOVE  was our main discussion. How to find it, how to keep it, why love seems to run away from friends that we think have everything...and endless talk while sipping a few bottles of my favorite wine in the world, bordeaux "Château margaux" with various cheeses! There was this mutual friend who's still single, feeling guilty that she quit at the age of 21 her first love who happens to be "prince charming". She never forgot him always compare him with the other guys in her life, feeling deep inside that HE was the one and she had let it go. She started a search to find him after all those lost years and we cross our fingers that this will end " they live happily ever after".

 The other friend feels emprisoned in a relationship where he gives more than he receives and where his liberty remains a struggle, being assertive is a day to day challenge for him. 
As the Dalai Lama says being a couple takes effort, patience and comprehension

I have just been told that i'm on duty ...again....tomorrow. I have always found fascinating to observe how human like to be in control and when you are powerless how much effort it takes not to fight back when facing an injustice because you'll be even more powerless and...they win over you. Each company has his own rules and the goal is making profit each day more and more profit but....without considering the emotional side of his employees is doomed to fail. Daniel Goleman has written this very astute book about "emotional intelligence" where he explains about the importance of being motivated and recognized in our own company and when this fails to happen how the losses in money can be quantified. One needs to be heard and understood, we are not machines and numbers!
I think i will have another bordeaux tonight..."A votre Santé" 
Enjoy the week end.
Tomorrow hopefully i'll be heading to Shangai or Pekin or i'll run nuts...

Old habits die hard

I had a wonderful week-end! And you? 
I went to the theatre to watch Michael Douglas in his last film "Wall street" very good. He's still though  ageing an handsome man and one of my favorite actors along with Di caprio. A very thoughtful film about greed, money, betrayal. passion, loose and win....with a very moral and hollywood happy end that i doubt could be reality, but who cares that's the fun of it....and i do love happy ends (don't we all? )
We have a dear friend who's taking some vacation from husband and her 3 kids at my mom's for a few days and that was fun too as we had intuition and tarot session. We choose at least ten questions that we withhold and then the other answer for us without knowing what is our question so the mental is put aside and the intuition can flow. For years now i have been practicing the tarot and love it, whenever a question arises i lay out my cards and my husband who is very intuitive as join "the club". If we don't know what is the question then we are not influence by it and we can speak with our hearts/intuition and the results are absolutely overwhelming. Nowadays hearing our inner voice is ok and there are tons of books to teach us how to developp it when we just have to listen and to trust her. Intuition is our more reliable master, always acurate. I have fail her for many years not believing, wanting to prove that she was wrong but as my creativity starts to blossom i follow her and am much steadier and confident now. I gain confidence in my judgements because i TRUST her not always though it's an ongoing process. 
Old habits die hard!

As you can see i  return to the beiges! Just finished it and is one of my favorites . The old clock comes from Portugal and the music box and little bottles from Artfest, port towsend US that i bought last april to this adorable man at vendor night (for those interested he is in the left corner at the back ....) the door knock came from Paris ....A very traveled album...  hope you like it.
Now heading to the gym as my butt weighs tons after eating so much chocolate over the week end.
Have a nive week, fill with joy, laughter and share.
Xo

on sheer pleasure

Wake up this saturday morning at 6am... to go shopping! Direction the oldest flea market in Lisbon. Nothing except vintage stuff could make me wake up so early on a saturday morning...i do love the feeling though, the excitement of searching, the anticipation of the cool object i'm going to find and...ta da....

Look what i ve found, a very old sewing box wow! then old spoons, old buttons, this beautiful little  french tin, old photographs, old books............ I was so excited, when i'm in the flow only my empty wallet can and do stop me, fortunately otherwise i recognize being a vintage book-addict.

Tomorrow, cross my fingers full day in the studio creating youpiiiii.......
Have a cool week-end 
xo

On Marriage...

And what of Marriage, master?
And he answered saying:
You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of LIfe can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.


THE PROPHET KHALIL GIBRAN

Who am I ?

Am I in the good track?

What is my purpose in life?

Where do I belong?

Do I make the right decisions?

How can I improve myself?

How can I stop repetitive patterns?

How can I be more confident?

What is there for me?

Do I give enough?

Do I receive enough?

Who I am?

On love

I had this red cover for ages and as you know i'm more into beige. One thing leads to another, i get to be very adaptable last week everything seemed to broke and it did! So i have a new cell phone and had to run to Mac to understand how i could use bluetooth and recover my photos. So this unsettling changes were very positive as i decided to challenge myself in my studio, trying to create new albums with different covers. I was stuck at first, as i usually create something that i would put in my home but not everyone is in the whites and beige...which is ok of course. Being adaptable is one of my motus in life has everything changes and evolves, so it is a good thing to try new paths. Hope you'll like it!
This album is like a fairy tale, love the couple i imagined.
 This handsome man with his moustache, looking very serious is very sensitive and profound and was in advance in his own time, deeply believing that the woman he loved was his equal and they lead a very secrete and creative life. Their love was one that we all want based on trust, friendship, tenderness, respect. I had fun this week end as you can see!
"Love is the answer" Einstein
xo

Rituals

I have just read the post of Nina Bagley about the importance in her life of rituals. She travels all over the year teaching her wonderful and so inspiring workshops and when back at home she lives in a remote and beautiful  place in the mountains. She leads the kind of life i long for...let's see what HE has in mind for me? I do travel a lot has my first job is being a flight attendant, now up to twenty one years still a lot to go! I do have a lot of rituals too first thing in the morning when at home is scratching my husband back... and hugging him then the attention goes to the  cat Frimousse who litterally runs towards the kitchen as if he hasn't eat in years while giving him his favorite dish "sardines" i prepare a french coffee that is an enormous bowl of strong coffee (my portuguese friends fail to understand how we french can drink so much coffee in a row, they are more into several italians coffees during the day ) while sipping my flavored and delicious coffee i talk to my mom. First thing in the morning i need to get connected with my mom, some say that i do need to cut the umbilical row now i reply why? everything in a way or the other will lead us to our moms if she was to present or absent or too authoritative or too permissive etc... My mom is and will be my best friend forever, one that stand by me no matter why aren't we all searching for that kind of relationship in our lives? Anyway, after sometimes two strong bowls of coffee when the jet lag sinks in i start to be more awake and i'm ready for the gym. I've restarted exercising after a hibernating period due to  my hormonals treatments and i feel so good with it. Exercising do gives me punch, i feel more alive after classes like being in my studio in the afternoon creating gives me balance, strengh, and most of all awareness. We do need to have our rituals in this frantic world otherwise we would run out of our bodies. 
I would love though to be a full time artist, traveling once in a while with my husband, having a regular timetable not starting to work for 12 hours of flight at 23h20pm to ......distant lands
 That's the thing about humans we have this constant insatisfaction or is it just me? Don't get me wrong i do love my job but now after so many years and the constant increasing of activities my body feels more reluctant to adjust and recover and i have discovered my passion so creating is like a legal drug to me, i need to create or i start to lose my balance.
As always my dear and talented teacher Nina is an inspiration for me, look below at her beautiful Home
Have a good sunday......I will

xo  

Vataça de Lascaris

Remember I told about this extraordinary woman who lived back in the 13 century? She was the maid of honour of our much Queen Saint Isabel. They were both in the giving. Saint Isabel is known for her Roses miracle and her grand devotion and kindness.
Vataça de Lascaris whose grandfather was the imperor of Byzance was married at thirteen to a much older man who happens to die 10 years later, living her with great wealth. She never remarried which at the time was very rare and she managed to remain very powerful and indispensable at the court.
She was a woman ahead of her time, speaking latin, portuguese, spanish, french. She was a traveler, a business woman with a kind heart and completely devoted to her beloved queen.
I had this request from Miguel Vilhena, film maker, who developed a passion about Vataça, to create an album related in some ways to our grand woman. It was a challenging and most interesting work. Let's see what happens now... check his website www.fosforo-acv.blogspot.com 
Enjoy your week end
Be happy

Find the balance

I have just made this album...and sold it right away which is ok but i like to have them a little with me.
My inspiration came back so let's take the ride while is flowing! I'm debating as always with my sense of time flying and not knowing how to manage day to day life. One of my favorite artists Sally Jean retires for 6 months in her studio warning her friends that she will be unreachable and it seems to work for her.
 It would be a complicated thing to accomplish for me as i sense that i need to be present and available all time! Feeling guilty and restarting biting my nails when not responding to their needs when all i want to do is hiding in my studio and create. Know the feeling...assertiveness is definitely awckard to me but is what life defies me to do  almost every day. How i love to be in my studio, time stands still, i feel creative, alive, whole. There's a inside struggle in my need for others and my urgent need to remain alone. Advises are most welcome....

 Have fun 
xo