26 junho, 2010

I am scared...

I am scared...I want to skip my therapy...I don't like the way I'm feeling ...Everything seems worse, out of control. I have so many unanswered questions? Everyone telling me that I should grow up, cutting the umbilical rope? Why? I mean is there someone in the whole world who will always be there for me other than Mom? Who will always love me no matter what i do or say?
And what exactly does it mean to cut the umbilical rope in real life?
Is like when you grieve there's always comes a time when people gently advise you to turn the page, to let go!
How can you let go?
You never let go, the pain will decrease but the longing will be present everyday single day, no matter the years. I miss my mamie (grandmother) every day and sometimes pray for her to take her with me, when Life seems unbereable. When there seems to be no solutions. When the only thing that i want is just to be able to sleep a week in a row! I try but I am questioning my ability to recover. I want to heal but is it my mental tricking me again? will my emotional follow an unknown path?

I did choose my Life
I don't remember what I am supposed to learn?
What is my mission here?
What must I overcome?
What must I learn?
What must I integrate?

Am I in the right track?
Is there a right track?
How can I improve myself? 
Do we ever change our energy?

I've noticed over the years that we humans have a tendency to remain the victim, even if it's difficult there is a certain pleasure within it. It takes a lot of courage to really change. I hope i will (my husband is hoping too....is developping patience! )
Sorry girls/boys  for the outburst, maybe it's the asia jet lag? Let's see what happens therapy next week....cool

God, give us the Grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed
Courage to change the things which should be changed, and 
the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.
Serenity prayer

20 junho, 2010

I am so excited...just have the green light to realize an album about Vataça de Lascaris. born in the 13th century, who was not only an extraordinary woman that led a Life for the time unique of its kind and was very close to our most famous Queen Saint Isabel. After married at thirteen a much older man by assignement of the king Dom Diniz, she become a childless widow  at twenty four  and instead of going to a convent or remarried she remained single, very wealthy in a world of man for more than forty years. That's quite remarkable!
I was invited by Miguel Vilhena, who among others things is a film maker, needless to say how much i am enthusiastic about this whole project.
My head is running fast now...where to begin that's always the hardest part to plunge into it!
Heading to New-York so i will take my notebook with me one never knows if new ideas pop in.
Have a good week

17 junho, 2010

I love Hong Kong

Wandering in Hong Kong, I found this vintage postcards and thought to myself how i would have loved to rewind time and meet fancy people dress not in jeans but in those beautiful gowns! It's a very crowded city,  the jet lag is quite difficult for me more used to the states. There is so much to see...and to buy that's tricky too one get's tempted ... by many useless stuff.
 Each time I fly to Hong Kong after many hours of shopping i love to stop at The Peninsula to have an afternoon tea. It's one of my favorites spots, just to close my eyes and to be able to feel this particular atmosphere that remain in old palaces, time stands still... It's quite awesome.
Back home, I have troubled finding sleep and therefore regaining energy to fly again to New York this time,  minus 6 hours versus plus 8 hours in Asia. I'ts always a surprise how we  humans have this extraordinary faculty to adapt to circumstances no matter difficult they can be. The strengh and resilience of our bodies and mind is remarkable.

Now after two big bowls of coffee and feeling still sleepy refraining myself to go back to bed at 1h30pm i'm pondering either i should go to the beach to gain energy from the sea or to make my taxes?
Yey....thought so i'm going to finish my night at the beach under the umbrella snoring and relaxing...taxes can wait...till tomorrow

Have a good day.

12 junho, 2010

I am authentic

I can say without fears or presomption that TODAY I LOVE THE PERSON I AM...
During years, I compare myself, feeling that "the others" were more beautiful, clever, bright, intelligent...and that I should improve myself, get better, be like them! How weird and unfortunately how common. This feeling of not being enough is exausting and pointless because there will always be someone better...in this twisted sick point of view. 

and today after conecting with so many persons around the world i can say that being authentic is a priceless quality.
So I make a vow to myself, I want only authentic person around me because apart from being who I truly am, there's nothing more precious than be surrounded by true persons full of love, joy, compassion, happiness, generosity, tenderness...

It's okay to show one's vulnerability
It's okay to be spontaneous
It's okay to laugh out loud
It's okay to say i don't know
It's okay to be humble
It's okay to be simple
It's okay to be different

So after postponing for too many years I am about to make drastic changes in my Life. My time is valuable , i will not accept from now on any more vampires around me.Life is definitely too short to waste one's time. I want my true friends near me and off with the parasites who will never be happy, never! It's one's responsability how we choose to live not "others" faults but that's one of the most difficult thing to grasp, we are the masters of our lives. I took this two vintage portraits from the blog of my american artfriend Catherine Mitchell, she got plenty of images that one can load, www.mudbayimages.blogspot.com/ Be aware of vampires they are everywhere! My holidays are over back to work. xo

09 junho, 2010

Is it true?

Is it true? At least i want to believe it is. Just got out of my therapy pretty shaked, feeling rather insecure on what the future holds for me. Yesterday, i told a dear friend who is quite vulnerable too, how much i was tired (we all were) of her constants breakdowns, grief, anger, self centerdness...when i was talking i felt pretty sure that "i was right" she MUST do something about it, she's drowning and will certainly take us with her if we let her! Then today i realize during the session, how difficult it is to change from our old patterns, one will do everything most of the times to prevent the unbereable suffering, to hide ourself within anger, despair, bitterness...
I do feel however that we need to be shaken from time to time, though it would be easier to just stay very still and listen the constants rumblings but is it true friendship not trying to help?
Everyone has his own Life with his own timing, to know when to help and when to withdraw requires a skill that i haven't mastered yet!

I have to follow my own path 
I want to follow my own path
I need to follow my own path

Will I have the courage to confront loneliness?
Will I have the guts to stand still?
Will I have the strengh?
Will I have the profound desire to choose LIFE towards death?

The only true that i know is that change comes from us and us only...
May God help me and those who are in need...
Que ta volonté soit faite Seigneur

06 junho, 2010

What is true today is untrue tomorrow and so on...at least for me don't know for you? Today i just skip the craft and design fair...not just like that! A lot went on my mind since three in the morning, out of sleep thanks to the jet lag, i had to wake up at seven which is rather complicated for me used to work mostly at nights but still i'm a very person "one must do what one has to do even if we don't feel like".
There is no obligation to attend the two days but i always had in the past, being there at eight to catch a good spot, under the trees, close to the little shop.... so this morning i decided i was to tired to go. Wow! It's 11am now feeling a little unconfortable, still with some doubts maybe i should have? but i'm happy and sense i've made a good decision. The mixed media, scrapbooking, altered books whatever was the way i choose to prevent me from falling into depression when the question of not conceiving become more and more accurate. So it was pleasure all the way, the workshops i attend in the states and in Paris were so much fun and valuable. I get to meet artfriends who were and are so talented. I was most welcomed and that means the world to me, i was finding a new road not the one i expected or wished but a very precious one. 
Pleasure, fun, exploring, that is what i want to keep in mind because one can be engulfed by the "Do and Don't" what will work best? what will sell best(grrr......)  


It's a struggle within me that i want to overcome.


So today was a major issue for me, not going to the fair because i didn't want it, was quite something. I'm improving!
 I've just started to read "hands of light" by Barbara Brennan where she explains us how does the energy field works and how we can use it in our daily lives. Another big little step...
Today i will be in my studio creating and having fun.
Just bought more spoons that i love to fill in with resin, a few ideas that i want to try on...

04 junho, 2010


Working in my studio, several albums in progress, feeling excited again though there's this unusual tiredness who kepts nagging me, i was wondering why is it that portuguese readers don't comment more in my blog? The question is do they write on others blogs? I've discovered the last week that they are more people than i thought who actually follow me but it's rather frustrating not having more feed back. I feel kind of lonely in this net world. So the question that arises is do i continue it or do i stop it? 
Many questions pop in my head: 
Is my blog interesting?
How could i improve him?
What lacks?
Should i write more about me? or less?
Should i show more or less pictures of my work?

I need the quietness of my studio
I need to be alone to create, every artist i guess
I need to stay in touch
I need to connect
I need to feel that i'm not alone
I need to share
I need to exchange ideas, thoughts, experiences
i'm feeling more and more vulnerable
my "saboteur" gets in the way telling me that is useless
that i'm not an artist
that i'm not creative
that i have nothing new to say...bla bla ....

That is one of the main reasons i attend this craft and design fair every month.
I crave the public
I anticipate all the talk with others artists
I feel excited just to be among them
I love "small talk" with the public
I cherish every compliment 
I feel blessed  to create and to sell my art

I have many friends suggesting me to have a little shop, "Alex world" that would be awesome!
To be able to withdraw a little for flying and having my albums, agendas, necklaces in a little shop that would be a dream come true.
The seed has been definitely plant within me...i hope it will grow on his own time. 
Let's ask God for advice he never turns back on us!
My grandmother had several boutiques one of "chiffons" and others librarys. She was made for it, always friendly, patient, smiling, suggesting. I take after her that's for sure as i love the contact with the public.
I remember a few years back, having my astrologic theme made by a delicious and funny french woman who told me that one day i would stop feeding passengers and give other kind of food to the public.
I will ask my very intuitive and talented portuguese friend Ana for advice, though that make me immediately thinking how can i conciliate creating and being in the shop with the day to day worries of the bills coming in so one has to sell....See there's still some work to do with my therapist!

Always the need  to control ones life when i should know by now that's the only thing i can control...is the let go, "lâcher-prise"... but is an ongoing process i'm still a baby in the path but hopefully i will inprove.
I don't know what planet is influencing me at the moment but it must be a confusing one, saturn maybe?
Lot of questions few responses need to quit...hey how about a good walk in the beach?

have fun....